A Solitary Journey

There are times on this journey of mine, the one I contracted for, the one I agreed to, when I have been given moments to pause and go...WHAT?

I am sure I am not at all alone in this experience. Every one, every single person has moments in their lives where they have cause to wonder why something happens, why ugliness is allowed, why loneliness occurs, why it seems at times that our life journey is particularly hard or distasteful, all of those things...

At the moment, my journey is a relatively solitary one. I am human, I enjoy the company of good people, I love cooking for and interacting with others, I need the solace that comes from interacting with a like minded person, as all humans do. 
At the moment though, my journey appears to be a solitary one. ALL attempts at letting people in to my inner circle, opening up to others, invites to a meal a coffee or a chat are being spurned or for totally valid and non personal reasons, just not working out (A sick child, bad timing, not enough notice, busy lives etc)

This has made me stop and pause...for three weeks now (possibly longer) the only contact I have had with other humans is superficial and fleeting; a five minute chat with the person making my coffee, a glance and a wave at a familiar face down town, a little joke and a laugh with the fabulous team at my local post office, all of which are wonderful moments, however, no lasting and deeper interaction.

So, since "coincidence" on this scale seems ludicrous, I have looked at this moment and asked WHAT??????

If you are a frequent reader of this blog (not that my posts have been all that frequent lately...sorry) then you know that I generally follow my instincts and the tugs at my heart that let me know louder than words that I am being offered a direction and guidance from the team of divine beings that I constantly interact with.

So...what is the direction, what am I being told, what lesson is there to learn in all of this solitary confinement I seem to be experiencing at the moment? I actually still don't know.

There are some things I DO know though.

Through each of these seeming "rejections" of me as a person (and P.S. I am an amazing person to know *silly grin*) I have constantly heard a phrase from a book I read once called The Four Agreements that states, "Stop taking things so personally!" OK...so, lesson being, breathe, relax, be grateful and thankful, and stop taking it personally...I get that, and have "chucked" some dissolving fluid on those thought patterns, and released the need to take it all personally..."Job done," I say to my team, "So now can I have some company?"

Hmmm...it seems "No," was the answer to that question as the polite declines, and some not so polite declines kept coming in.

"Be happy in your own company before you invite someone else in to join you. That way, you will know whether you enjoy their company, or whether you are seeking them out through desperation," is the next thought I heard whispered on the wind. This one seemed a little more complex that the "Don't take it personally" insight, I mean, after all, I am truly happy in my own company, I LOVE alone time and be myself time and not responsible for any one or anything time. I pondered, in a light and non thinking way, on this recurring thought. In the silent times, the alone times, the no company for weeks times I have noticed a tendency for my brain and ego (damn them...*Wry grin*) to intervene with ridiculous and ludicrous thoughts like, "You'll always be alone," "No one really loves and understands you," "You can only ever rely on yourself, everyone else will let you down," "Perhaps there's something wrong with you/me?" These thought patterns are totally dismissed for the ego driven rubbish that they are, from my concious mind at least, so I dug a little deeper and pondered a little further and found that perhaps still a part of me (a very small part of me) might possibly believe some of these things. I sat by moving water, breathed deeply, immersed myself totally in the moment and the surroundings and the universe as a whole, and again "chucked" some dissolving fluid on those particular types of thoughts and promised myself I will totally be on the look out for that kind of ego sabotage in future.....feeling lighter and more buoyant as each moment passes.

At this point, I have given up of fathoming the lesson...that's right, I threw in the towel *laughing* In the end, I stated quite emphatically to my divine team, "This is not what I want, nor what I contracted for, so, guide me to change it...in human time please" Then, I let the whole thing go and went to dinner by myself in a lovely restaurant. I took my drawing journal and sketched faeries while I waited for my meal. This made people look at my book and several struck up a conversation. I chatted to the people in charge of serving me for the evening, I had lovely interactions with complete strangers that were complimentary, and genuine and heart warming.

Then, it dawned on me (I'm a bit slow sometimes I'll admit) that the moment I stopped struggling and questioning and, I'll admit it, demanding, people were automatically attracted to my energy and bought themselves into my space, however fleetingly.

So, for the moment, my journey is a solitary one, but not for one minute am I really on my own. I am happy to be me, I am happy to be uniquely different, weird, and eccentric. I love me dearly, and I am/can be patient in waiting and learning and growing and for sometimes to NOT understand the next step or the current moment.

I write this post, wondering if somewhere, some beautiful, magnificent and totally awesome light being needed to hear that they are not the only one who feels lonely, abandoned and isolated at times? 

You're not alone dear one, I'm right there beside you at the moment.

With love and light
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

To my twin soul....

I have heard often about the twin soul or twin flame idea, and I fully believe that we have an "other" and not always are they meant to be our life partner. Sometimes, they are our best friend, our team mate, our relative or have some other relationship to us. However, having said that, i think we all secretly wish that our twin soul is our life long partner *smile.

I decided that I would write a letter to my twin, I haven't met them yet, but I wanted to send out to the universe that I was ready. It was a brilliant and healing exercise for me, so I thought I would share it with you all and suggest that maybe this is not a bad healing exercise, especially if you're feeling a bit low. 

I called it a sending because I am sending this message out into the universe for action....

My dear Beloved,

As much as I want to meet you and be with you, as much as my soul yearns to reach out and embrace yours to combine with the very stuff the universe is made from, there are some things I must first know...

Can you love? Can you fully be with me in the moments we may have alone together? Can you forget, I mean truly forget all else in those moments and see only you and I combined?

Can you nurture? Can you offer succour when I am hurt without me asking and without question?

Can you worship and be worshipped in return? Can your touch be tender and filled with all of the love, wonder and joy the universe gives to every moment?

Can you let go? Can you release yourself and me from feelings of guilt, hate, judgement and harm when the time comes? Can you walk away from the moment and feel only the joy that is present and the love that surrounds it?

Can you remember? Can you look upon me and recall our divine origins?

Can you share? Can you be genuine, honest and forthright in all of your interactions with me? Can you share your passions and your joys, and are you willing to share mine? Can you converse freely in all matters and know that love supersedes all judgement and all other feelings despite that our humanness means that these things will creep into our conscious at times?

Can you send me away? If a time comes when our joining does not meet our higher purpose, can you tell me and send me away so that we may both be happy?

Beloved, these things are most important to me and to us both. So while my soul hungers to be with yours, and while my body aches in longing for that first gentle touch, that first kiss; I would walk away now beloved, so that I may meet you again in this life when our journey's are truly ready to combine.

Know this, we have met before and loved before. We are joined across the ages and through all of space and time. If we cannot physically touch, meet, or be one in this life time, in this present moment, then I will find you again in the next.

Come if you can, I miss you

With love and light
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I am me

It's been quite some time I know. In fact, a REALLY long time since last I posted. I write what I am guided to write, and for such a long time, I apparently had little to say...smile. It seems that my path lay in other directions for quite some time, and a whole gambit of learning experiences took my focus away from writing. 
Today, I went to the beach and just sat for a while (always a healing and cleansing experience) and I began to write again. I wanted to share this first writing with you all...

"She's got to be loved,
woah, the woman's got to be loved.
She's got to be looooved
she's got to be wanted..."

So, I'm led here, by the beach side, with this song playing over and over in my head. All morning, all the images of the men I have so foolishly loved pass through my head. It brings me no sorrow though. Instead, an insatiable joy fills me my heart and mind smile and I almost feel that anticipation that marks the beginning of a new love. The pulse quickens and a spontaneous smile comes unbidden to my lips. The door to my heart opens wide and I feel the invitation flow out of me and into the universe. Joy and wonder fill this moment as I truly release, truly let go of past loved; sending them every blessing and all the joy the universe so graciously provides to all those who ask it.

Instead of the sad and hollow place that was how I defined myself and my lover, I now, surprisingly, find a gladness, an anticipation, a waiting. In all of the faces that pass me by I see my lover, my soul, my friend. I smile the smile of one newly in love, that smile that is so different from any other smile and I know it radiates from my being as I see the joy in the faces of others as they pass me.  I see the acknowledging nod of one being to another and I feel my being respond the same way it would were they a cherished, lost friend I am meeting again on the street rather than the random stranger they humanly are.

Never has the remembering been so strong before. I remember the joy of home, the one-ness of all beings in a place where only love is real, only the joy of communion exists. So much do I feel that home is a part of me in this existence now, that the "reality" of here seems one and the same. The longing for home that has afflicted my heart for so long, has vanished in this moment.

Home seems no longer separate and a place of "other", it is here and now, surrounding me with loving grace and freeing my heart from the bonds of fear, servitude, aloneness and worry that have bound me to a path I knew I did not want to travel.

I find myself filled with love and courage. A fearlessness, which is neither ill-advised nor reckless, fills me, and I know that in this moment, the word impossible is meant for others on a different path.

I create, I love, I live and I shine a light for the world to see. I am me.

Being me is to be sensitive, to love and show loyalty with my whole being in combination and without reservation. There is nothing in me that is not perfect. There is nothing to change, to dwell on or to regret.

I am able to embrace the whole of me with loving abandon and to know that my faults are only perceptions. A perception fed and fuelled by the opinion of others who look at me because it is too hard to look at themselves and love without condition.

I am in love with me; with my precious and perfect self...and it is enough.

I walk my path and forge a new way of being, an old way of being. I go back to the place I originated before this mortal existence began and I remember.

I look into my own heart and find there is nothing left wanting. There, instead of pain, I find the joy of awakening and I am able to sing and dance and be free. I am me.

I no longer recriminate or judge myself and my past and try to identify moments I see as mistakes. I don't need to. I am me.

I am me. I am the bringer of joy, but more than that, I am the personification of joy and through that example, I can lead others to find their own.

I understand my path. The rest of the moments to come belong to this path.

I am me.

With love and light
xoxoxoxoxoxo

The instructions I am given

I am always being given fantastic advice and instructions from the divine. These are sometimes in the nature of dreams, impulses, intuition (for want of a better word), dreams, repeated signs, songs, so-called "coincidences" and a range of other things.

I would LOVE to tell you I always listen to and follow those instructions and advice *sheepish grin* but I don't make a habit out of lying, even on seemingly little things! 

Needless to say, those times when I haven't listened, I soon discover why it would have been to my advantage to do so... *Wry grin*

The ones I really want to focus on tonight is the information I am constantly getting from my body. The simple version is, that every part of me, every fibre, tissue, cell, molecule, understands the connection to the divine that we all have. It KNOWS the contract, knows what's best for me, and the choices that would equal perfect and divine health. It is my connection to both the earth, and the divine all in one.

Last Thursday, I had to have some surgery (don't worry, sparing you the details) and as circumstances were at the time, I had to go on my own, staying overnight in a hotel as the hospital is a three hour drive each way from where I live. When I arrived, I found I had been given little to no information, was being condescended to and treated as the body part being dealt with rather than as a human being. That there was limited compassion and a WHOLE lot of judgement. As the day progressed (It had started at 4am when I had hit the road to get to the place) I became increasingly more distressed. I called on the whole team to be there, Raphael in particular. I was OK, but certainly not fantastic. 

As I sat waiting in the common waiting area, dressed in my ultra attractive surgical gown I began to have second thoughts about the whole deal. Raphael calmly informed me that "chickening out" was not really an option (damn!) I was moved to the pre-op area to wait for someone to come and give me the initial bout of chemicals and there was a picture on the wall of a path leading through a forest. As I sat there, I imagined walking through the forest with Raphael having a chat about the procedure and the after procedure care and all of the things I was frightened about.

At one point, I asked about all of the pain and the anti-biotic and other drugs I had been told I MUST take and the like. I live a reasonably natural existence, using herbs to treat most things, and was reluctant to take any chemical drugs, although I was certainly not going to refuse western treatment or any thing like that.

Raphael challenged me to heal myself! 

As I went into the surgery, all I could think about was how I could heal myself????????

After the operation, as I was lying on the bed in my hotel room, it suddenly "came to me" that I could just ask my body to heal itself. "What a strange idea" I thought to myself, but as I thought that (with my brain) my heart said, "Go on, can't hurt any worse than you do right now can it?" So, I set myself to the task of imagining a discussion with every cell in my body *laugh* This may have been made easier with the after effects of a general anaesthetic. I gave every cell the instruction that energy was to be converted to the place of surgery; that it was ALL hands on deck and the wound needed to be pain free and healing and ready for the three hour car trip home the next day. I also issued orders that I was to be fit for work on the following Monday. I went to sleep smiling to myself and laughing at what a "silly goose" I was.

I have been virtually pain free since the surgery, I have not taken the anti-biotic chemicals, instead using calendular and ginger (naturally occurring anti-biotic) because that's what my body said would be OK. No infection, and...a week later, other than some bruising, absolutely no evidence that I had the surgery at all.

Knock me over with a feather! That ACTUALLY worked *laugh*

I am of course, not suggesting that anyone ignore medical advice, or not seek treatment of they need to. After all, Raphael suggested the visit which led to the need for surgery being discovered. (Just as an aside, I also asked him to take care of finding me a really good specialist too *smile*) What I am saying is, that within each of us, is a most amazing and powerful tool; an unbelievably strong connection to the divine. Every cell in your body is attuned and waiting for your permission.

Give yourself permission to be powerful and hear the instructions you are given! Honour the voice inside of you that tells you what course to take...it's the divine, you can trust it.

With love and light
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo