Saturday, 19 November 2011

Beginnings or endings?

I used to see my life as a series of endings; of things I had "failed" at and things that "never went right". I constantly viewed my life through looking at the things I couldn't do, hadn't done and that I didn't complete. I always saw that I had not been able to finish something successfully. This is a state of mind that most definitely did not lead to happiness and joy, nor a true and accurate perception of the events surrounding my life. This was a view from my ego, and not from the divine source of love.

I gradually began seeing the links between events from a relationship that did not last, a job I was "forced" out of, the places and situations I moved on to and I began to see a bit of order in those events and paths. This bought me no comfort at the time, because the common denominator in all of those things was still me, so I felt that if something had turned out "badly" or had not worked at all, that it was only me that was common to all of those situations. Since I was not aware of what was happening or "what I may have done to "deserve" these things repeatedly occurring, I could only assume guilt, shame and a sense of failure at my life not turning out the way I planned and hoped it would be.

In the last few years though, as I have taken an HONEST view of the events of my past, let go of the feelings of guilt and shame and just looked with detachment upon those events, that I have become increasingly amazed at the small steps each event, situation or person "forced" me to take in leading to the path I am currently enjoying! While it is true that I would have found and embraced my true life's purpose anyway, these events all led me to this path as well (I just went the 'hard' way around).

For example, an untenable situation in a school I was working at led me to taking time out to work in another job for a while that was not related to teaching; this in turn led me to seeing the world from the unique perspective you get when serving other people their food for 8-10 hours a day, 6 days a week, this also led me to realise teaching meant a LOT to me and was not just a job. I also met some brilliant people whom I still have contact with, and through them met my partner. This transaction (meeting my partner) led me to giving birth to my youngest son, moving 10 hours west to teach in a remote community which also became untenable for us as a family. This led to me transferring again to where I currently am placed, and on the way, a 2 day drive, I wrote the first 4 stories in my children's book series because of the amazing woman I taught with side by side and her wonderful children. 

This is obviously the much reduced version of events, all of this covering a time span of about 5 years, however I think you get the idea. The event which I saw as an ending, another failure on my part which was my inability to remain in the education system was not an ending at all; it was the beginning of  a massive life shift and new adventure. I wonder sometimes what might be different if I had chosen to stay in education at that time and had never taken the job in hospitality? With what I know now, I know I would have still ended up in this place, but not for a long while yet, I would not have a second child most likely, and a whole host of other things would be so different as to be not recognisable.

What I felt at the time was a dismal failure, yet another thing I could not "stick at" or see through, it was actually a closing of a door, so that another opportunity has the ability to present itself. I chose all of these actions and paths and while I may wonder at times, that I had to learn so much "the hard way" at least I learnt it.

Now, when I am thinking something is coming to an end, whether I like it or not, when I know a situation is changing in a direction I really am uncomfortable with or don't particularly like; when I feel sad, desolate or alone about certain directions, choices and actions, I am unwittingly and subconsciously looking for the opportunity and new direction I will be led to. This doesn't make me any less sad to see the "end" nor does it prevent me from trying to hold on to what I know rather than heading into the realm of what I don't know at times, it does however, offer comfort that an ending is actually more often than not, a beginning.

With love and light

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