The Most Important Forgiveness...

I would like to share a little more about me as the person, rather than me as the teacher or author.  It will come as no surprise to you I am sure, that I am most certainly NOT perfect. :D

I have made some monumental mistakes, some very stupid (and even life threatening decisions), I have engaged in risk taking behaviours often and could have many, many regrets and be swamped by guilt for a lot of the choices I have made. I have not always had strong faith that the world and universe are magical places to exist and I have attempted to leave it on a couple of occasions.

There it is, raw and unadulterated...my very "humanness" if that's even a word?

It is with this reason in mind, and for this reason that I feel infinitely qualified to talk about the most important form of forgiveness.  The forgiveness you extend to yourself for the things you feel were not the right choices or decisions in your life.

This is perhaps the most difficult forgiveness to give, but also the most important. If you cannot forgive yourself, you will find it harder to forgive others.

So..how did/do I manage this? What do/did I do to help me forgive myself?

Some times, it was a matter of taking it minute by minute and choosing to fight for happiness and freedom from crushing guilt (there's the indigo coming out in me). I would light a candle and say the words over and over again, "I forgive myself for causing harm to others, and harm to myself." I didn't believe these words, but I persisted in saying them anyway.

I took a good, long and difficult look at my past, at the experiences that led to my choices, and at the "reality" of that particular moment in time. I analysed my choices and behaviours and took responsibility for them. Then I asked myself what I would do or say, if one of my friends or family came to me, and told me they had made the same choices I had.

Invariably the answer was that I would support them through the rough times, that I would help where I could and comfort them. I would assure them that no mistake is so big that it cannot be forgiven or rectified and offer them compassion and understanding rather than judgement.

I closed my eyes and imagined myself as a little girl and myself as an adult talking to me. I told my child self all the things I needed to hear as my adult self. In short, I offered to myself the same warmth, support and forgiveness I would offer others. I did this every day until I started to feel some of the guilt wash away.

Isn't it amazing how we can comfort, console and empathise with others and judge and condemn ourselves?

I also sought non-traditional therapies from beautiful healing professionals for the really big things. I love reike, acupuncture, cognitive behaviour therapy and others.

Through a lot of hard work and research, I found ways to better understand myself and my past, and therefore be able to forgive my own mistakes. :D What a relief it was I can tell you.

Although this was not an easy process and required me to look closer at some not so great moments that I had hidden away, the end result is that I am happier and not as crippled with guilt as I was. This is still a work in progress...smile.

Since I have been able to begin the process of forgiving within myself, I have found that people actually respond more favourably to me as a person now. That I don't hold onto grudges, and that I judge people far less. All these things are beautiful and magical gifts to myself.

Part of this process was the choice to have faith, to believe in things I couldn't see and to trust that I am loved even when I feel the most alone. Not as a way to palm the guilt off, or to punish myself more, but as a way to feel loved and supported even when I make the wrong choices or when I feel completely isolated and alone.

Thank you angels....

xoxoxoxoxxo