Saturday, 1 September 2012

Decisions based on fear

Today I was once again reminded of the result of making decisions based on a fearful way of looking.  I am not talking about our body's finely tuned mechanism that intuitively warns us that we are about to embark on something that is physically harmful...that is a safety mechanism and one we would all do well to heed. I am talking about the little voice in my head that starts throwing up objections every time I am thinking about making massive (or sometimes even small) changes to my life or way of being. 

For instance, there was a time not long ago when I felt the desire/need to step away from classroom teaching. It is a very full on job and the work done with these amazing souls is best done when feeling fully refreshed and resilient. At this particular time, I was feeling neither of those things and I really wanted to step away and just be me for a bit. The first thing that popped into my mind was thoughts like, "You can't give up a well paying job that is consistent and reliable just to "fluff" around and draw pictures and write stories all day. What will your family do for food? How will you pay the rent? That's really selfish, your children will suffer." This thought pattern kept me working in the job for several more months, meanwhile, I was getting more and more depleted, the students were noticing I lacked the verve they were used to, and honestly, it would have been better for all involved had I not been there. I sat down again with some quiet space to "think" this through (I know right? THINK!!!!! I needed to FEEL) and my brain, based in a position of fear, came up with the same objections. I mulled over this for a little bit and then I distinctly heard the voice of my team assuring me that I was always looked after, that I had nothing to fear, that I could make the decision that felt right and not concern myself with the details. "Yeah right," I heard myself replying wryly, "Easy for you guys to say, you don't have kids to feed or any other human obligation." I pouted for a bit and I am certain I heard a soft sigh on the wind. I went back to work for another week but by the end of that week I knew I would possibly be doing more harm than good if I stayed. As much as it pained me to leave the beautiful students I was working with, I took leave from the following week.

My heart was pounding in my chest, all of those "fears" popped up in my head over and over again. Each time one surfaced, I asked Raphael to take it away, I just kept offering all of those fears and worries to the universe and hoping for the best possible outcome. I spent the first week in silence with me (I LOVE silence *smile) not trying to do, think or be anything. I ate veggies from my garden, prepared food for my kids, avoided speaking to anyone outside of my sacred space (home) and just took time to stop. The money concerns returned and I did my level best to keep handing all of these situations over to the divine and follow my instinct and intuition. Into the second week, out of the blue, and earth angel from the insurance company for my superannuation called me. She had found out I was not at work, and was wondering if I needed to access my income protection insurance!!!!!!!!! HOLY COW, since when do insurance companies ring and ask if you want to make a claim? She walked me through the process and then made monthly phone calls to check and see if there wasn't anything else the company could do for me. Money problem sorted! Thank you divine team.

If I had listened to the fear based perception, and not stepped away, there is a REALLY good chance that I would have completely burned out and could not have entered a classroom again.

All those fears? All those things I worried and stressed about? They weren't real! There was nothing to suggest that they would happen, only my brain believing and trying to convince my heart that they would happen. I heard this saying once that I really love, F.E.A.R. is really False Evidence Appearing Real! My family and I were fine, there was nothing to worry about, I took the time I needed, wrote two more stories, spent quality time with my kids, healed, refreshed and restored and then launched back into the classroom to have done some of my best work yet!

Fear will only serve to hold you where you are, safe in your comfort zone. Be brave, believe and take a running jump to meet fear head on.

You are loved, protected and always safe.
With love and light

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