Friday, 28 September 2012

Through the pain...

In a moment today, I looked at my contract again and saw I had signed up for a moment of pain. Not nice, not comfortable and most definitely not something I would usually share. I had this fleeting vision of my spirit self sitting there, skimming through all the details and going, "Yeah, I can definitely handle that, no problem really. I've got the skills and the know how and all the tools I need. You guys are going to back me up aren't you? Yes? Well then, nothing to be said further, I'll just sign this and we're off."

Today, for a moment, I wanted to scream at my spirit self; I wanted to take her by the shoulders and shake her till her teeth rattled and say, "Did you READ that? Do you remember that there's a possibility you'll forget all of this when you get there? Did you forget you will be a mortal, a HUMAN being?"

I sat with this image for a while, after all, the human in me needed to take a moment to remind myself that I wouldn't have signed up for anything I couldn't handle and that railing against that choice for a moment might be a little therapeutic too. 

All those cliches also popped into and out of my head as well; "Battle scars only prove that you are tougher than what tried to hurt you," "Every painful moment carries it's lesson of beauty" "Time heals all wounds"...well, thanks divine team, that helps a little *wry smile* being human, none of these have ANY relevance to me in a moment of pain.

Forgive and move on, my heart whispered..."I know, I'm doing it" I replied.

Calling in the "Big guns" I continued to just sit with the moment, not trying to analyse, not being angry, afraid, hurt, embracing the numbness of shock, setting aside outrage and a sense of betrayal and injustice, just sitting, just being, just asking for help with my whole soul and heart to just pass through the moment thinking only about the love and living in punishment, no blame...just love, only love.

This became a kind of mantra really, a healing, soothing balm which took the sting and the angst from the moment.

My heart rate slowed, the urge to cry settled and I felt calmer. Closing my eyes and opening my heart I again asked for help and this time remembered to give my permission for the healing to occur.

Words floated across my consciousness, beauty, an image or two. I didn't try to hold on to them, just feel the intent behind them. Then it came to me, "Keep the wonder." 

I cannot hold my hand out towards the future without taking a risk or two, I cannot look to the beauty and wonder of the world without also perceiving there is death and decay, I cannot walk my path as a human and not, at one point or another, experience loss or pain.

What I can do, is I can make the choice not to let the sparkle and the magic bleed from my eyes, I can choose to acknowledge and know that love is there around me and I can choose to remember that no matter how big the job I signed up for seems, I also chose a great team to stand at my back and by my side.

With love and light