Friday, 16 November 2012

When the world fell out from beneath me

I am not scared to admit that the last few days have been pretty bloody terrible for me energetically. I had a fantastic day at work all day on Wednesday, lovely times with my students, lots of learning, a few moments of confrontation but nothing extreme. Over all, a pleasant day with nothing untoward going on. Suddenly, in the last few minutes of the day, a moment happened (nothing big, no real issue) and my stomach plummeted. I got in my car to drive home, smudging for all my heart was worth in order to let go of the moment and move passed it. After all, it was NOTHING in the big scheme of things. It wasn't even anything in the little scheme of things, it was a moment that I would pass by on any given day of the week with never a backward glance. All of a sudden though, I couldn't let it go. I drove home, my stomach really sore, my brain working over time to come up with all sorts of scenarios, each more horrible than the last. ...whoa..."what is going on?" I asked my divine team over and over again to cut the cords tying me to this situation and help me move on and past it....nothing.

I walked in the door at home and got smashed by a second round of moments. My heart leaped immediately into my throat, I was almost crying with frustration and despair...holy cow! "So what bought this on?" ...nothing.

Major conflict in the house for a while, so after putting my youngest angelic being to bed, I went out to the garden which is usually a place of serenity  calm and comfort. I made myself comfortable on my favourite chair and began all my relaxation methods and calming exercises. I asked my team to back me up, and with all my will I focused my intentions on being centred  being calm and figuring out what in all of creation was going on!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I couldn't concentrate on reading my book, found no beauty in my plants and faery lights, was restless, my tea tasted horrible and I could not hear the usual comfort and solace of my team surrounding me...."what?????"

No matter what I did, no matter how I did it, I could find no peace, none of my inner strength was manifest, no calm, no serenity, no distance...nothing.

I had NO idea what to do next. I knew I could not sit down to write a blog post in the state I was in, I didn't even know what was going on myself. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I mean, how do you explain it when a beautiful, fluffy, faery filled day all of a sudden, for no reason, feels like you've landed in the seven circles of hell?????? No reason!!!!!

What I ended up doing was just sitting with the feeling. I continued to sit in the garden and let the feeling wash over me, surround me and completely envelop me. I took ownership of the moment, after all, this was me in this moment, this is how I felt and no amount of denial could remove that fact or the feeling. I can't say I embraced the feeling (who would???) however, I stopped trying to figure it out or to find a solution to it. I just sat with it, with me, and let the moment unfold as it would, tears and all....then, I went to bed.

That was two days ago now. To this moment, I cannot tell you what happened or why, I just don't know. I don't understand the why or the how, I did learn from this moment though. I accepted the feelings as my own, coming from me and a part of me and stopped trying to control the moment (an exercise in futility). I felt a real crisis, and just knew that all I had to do was surrender and I would pass through the moment....hard work!!!!!!!! I constantly talked to my divine team, seeking their help, asking for assistance and it was great. Since I did not know the cause of this moment, I could not ask for specific things to "be done" only surrender to guidance, stumbling my way through, listening as hard as I could to hear the "answers" I was being given.

I have walked through the last two days as though one half asleep, fulfilling my obligations to home and work, but not really here. Listening hard to my heart and the universe, going the direction guided, a bit here, a little more there, don't engage with this, leap right into that.

Suddenly this morning, the feeling was gone and I felt expectant hope again.

I still can't tell you what happened, or what that was all about. I can tell you that this moment passed with little pain due to the fact that I surrendered myself up completely and let go of the need to control the outcome (not that I had a great deal of choice in the matter *wry grin*) 

With love and light

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